Life Feels Different

It's so surreal how life can be so different when both your parents are gone. My Dad's been gone for 10 years and myom only 4 months. 

It's my life as I know it parentless.. I'm beyond grateful they taught me so much in the 49 years that they were here dam that just is not long enough..

I recently got sick the flu or something felt awful woke up could not swallow my throat was so red... I cried I just needed my mom. Weird right at 49 but you know they have a way of saying something or just telling you what you already know to take but for that moment I needed her. 

Today's Father's Day I should be spoiling my dad taking him out of buying him lobster nope just thinking of him hoping he's reunited with my mom. 

Life is just so different. 

Life gets ahead of you.

I can't even believe I have not even made an entry in this for over a year. How does life just get away from us. I started this to help myself deal and heal as I find journaling and blogging do just that.....but sadly all I have now are empty entries and just the thoughts in my head and memories. You see my mom died on February 17, 2024. So those thoughts from the past years are not in a blog, or in a journal but are just in my head and heart. 

How life just escapes us, how life still moves on sometimes too fast. For 2.5 years my thoughts of my mom and the disease that ultimately took her from me are still in my head not on paper, or in this blog. Maybe there were so many bad moments in the last year that I want to just erase them, maybe those bad moments erase the good ones. While I may not have them exactly on a blog entry I do know that I have them ready to put on paper. The timeline may not line up and that's ok cause they are memories and those have no date. 

I just can't stop.....

So it was said... 2 to 5 years it continues to play inside my head. It continues to be a thought many times throughout the day. It's reality, it has to be faced but god dam this just stings. I want to just write about adventures and I think I will but first... 

Tonight as I got her things ready for bed her clothes laid out, making sure she was all set, I said good night I love you as she crawled into bed. I love you too she said. I shut the door and cried. 

One day she won't say it back, one day she won't know me, one day she won't even be here. Life is so unfair, I can't be grieving now cause she's still here but I guess I am, I'm grieving for the future of uncertainty, I'm grieving for the pain that will be caused with my daughters as they watch such an important person to them fade away... 

I need to cry, I need to be mad at this awful disease, so today I grieve and tomorrow I focus on what makes her happy, and help to preserve the time we do have with fun, laughter and memories 

the long awaited appointment

Today was the appointment we have been waiting for, the neurologist. He reviewed the brain scans from 2020 and used big words, which I had no idea what they meant. She failed her test with a 4 reality began to sink into my whole body weighing me down inch by inch. 

Then he said it .... 2 to 5 years WTF I never asked for that, I never eluded to needing to know that WTF cause I forgot everything from that visit but that... How the fuck so you just not think about that. 

I get it the time will come but how does he know, how does a timeline get put on someone. Ugh my heart hurts my heard hurts and I just don't know.... 

Feeling Forgotten

Well... It happened!! Something you hoped wouldn't maybe cause your in denial, maybe you feel this person your dealing with is just in a phase. Nope not no longer. 

Today the 4th of July. We were having a conversation with my mom, asking her who her husband was, who her kids were and she tells me her son Chris, her son Michael and that's it. I'm like well who am I. She says we'll my guardian, the person who takes care of me, my best friend. I'm like ummm are you sure yes she says. We go back through the questions family, husband and I tell her well Ed your husband is my Dad she was shocked. No really??? Yes so what does that mean you are to me... and she still could not get that I was her daughter so I told her and she says Wow I never knew that. 

I think my heart broke. I tried to brush it off but I would like if I said I went to my room to cry. 

How could the person you care for 24 7 not know who you are, the mom who raised you not know your her daughter. 

I want to think it was just an off day and tomorrow she will remember. But man even if she does, it's not gonna be the same. I'm losing my mom day by day and one day I will be just that person, perhaps a stranger to her.. 

Elvis

Well tonight we took my mom (myself Jen R and Maddie) to see the Elvis movie. I won't lie I did not know how she would be. Well she giggled, she sang and she cried. I did have to tell her a few times to shhhh. 

I don't know what it is, I don't want her to embarrass herself, I don't want people to look at her and know something is wrong, I don't want to believe that each day brings new challenges that she is in fact another child I'm caring for. 

Anyway tonight she had  fun and it was written all over her face. It was nice to see her smile and it's amazing that she can remember an Elvis song but not to put her shirt on correctly. 

If I could only see inside her head.

So it seems that some days are better than others. You want to find out just what is making her cry, get frustrated or just wonder what she's thinking. 

I have sat down with her what feels like every night and talk about things that are bothering her. She just says, "it's nothing" but it is something. SOMETHING makes her feel frustrated and not want to try. 

We have had a rough few weeks but, I am hoping that the eagerness of getting ready for bed at 4:00 has passed, her not knowing how to get undressed or dressed (cause she does) I mean who does not put on their shirt inside out or backwards at times. 

It was was a week ago I sat down with her, just her and I and we talked about not worrying, not stressing about things she knows how to do and once again not worrying (she does it a lot) we laughed and I think I got her understanding that. 

As I tucked her into bed, yes I do that on some nights, and I walked away almost out the door, I heard her say "God I just love her so much".

I shut the door, I smiled and I took a deep breathe and once again felt my soul fill up with love and joy knowing I'm doing the right thing.