I just can't stop.....

So it was said... 2 to 5 years it continues to play inside my head. It continues to be a thought many times throughout the day. It's reality, it has to be faced but god dam this just stings. I want to just write about adventures and I think I will but first... 

Tonight as I got her things ready for bed her clothes laid out, making sure she was all set, I said good night I love you as she crawled into bed. I love you too she said. I shut the door and cried. 

One day she won't say it back, one day she won't know me, one day she won't even be here. Life is so unfair, I can't be grieving now cause she's still here but I guess I am, I'm grieving for the future of uncertainty, I'm grieving for the pain that will be caused with my daughters as they watch such an important person to them fade away... 

I need to cry, I need to be mad at this awful disease, so today I grieve and tomorrow I focus on what makes her happy, and help to preserve the time we do have with fun, laughter and memories 

the long awaited appointment

Today was the appointment we have been waiting for, the neurologist. He reviewed the brain scans from 2020 and used big words, which I had no idea what they meant. She failed her test with a 4 reality began to sink into my whole body weighing me down inch by inch. 

Then he said it .... 2 to 5 years WTF I never asked for that, I never eluded to needing to know that WTF cause I forgot everything from that visit but that... How the fuck so you just not think about that. 

I get it the time will come but how does he know, how does a timeline get put on someone. Ugh my heart hurts my heard hurts and I just don't know....